ADAM KADMON: WHEN THE HEART IMPLODES
In March 2015, someone I loved took his own life. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how I felt that day. Initial shock, to anguish, denial and immense guilt. I battled with my own dark thoughts for a long time afterward. That’s what I wanted to express in this EP. It has a very different sound to my first album “The Pornographer” despite having many overlapping themes. From medicating myself to sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings to experiencing rage at my own oblivious ignorance to what he had been planning, this EP I hope captures the raw emotions I’ve felt in the last two years.
In “The Note” I sang: “You learn who you are through your scars” and I’ve found this to be very true. Despite the crippling sadness and regret, I feel I’ve become a stronger character. Life is too important and precious to waste it. So listen to others with an open heart; Try and understand how they feel. Most importantly, if you ever lose someone you care for deeply, know that the pain eases in time. It truly does get better.
8 Hours Closer: In the days and weeks following his death, I medicated myself with sedatives. All I wanted to do was sleep (and preferably not wake up again). My dreams offered little solace though and eventually, my doctor stopped prescribing medication.
The Note: He didn’t leave a suicide note as such, just something scrawled on an envelope about how he didn’t love me (or anyone else). I try and remember he was in a bad place but it still hurt me. “The death of a dying star” is a reference to a star collapsing and forming a black hole. Pretty much how it felt inside, but the pain was my teacher and I symbolically burnt that fucking note.
Cabaret: Struggling with my own suicidal thoughts but putting on a show, I was like cabaret. I functioned which was what was expected of me. I didn’t really want anyone to know about these feelings, though in retrospect I’m sure people knew.
Zyklon B: He took his life by suffocating himself with gas. We were assured it was a peaceful way to go, but it felt like the world had killed him. He just couldn’t cope with it I guess. Zyklon B is the gas the Nazis used during the Holocaust.
Valentine’s Day: This was the first song I wrote for this project (while he was still alive). He said he liked it though ultimately I wrote it out of frustration. I wished that for Valentine’s Day he had told me that he loved me. But he didn’t.