HOROSCOPES – WHAT IS YOUR DESTINY?

Hello, as you know I am a world famous columnist. However, in my spare time I just so happen to be a bit psychic. I know everything about you and quite frankly, you disgust me. But we can always rely on the stars to guide us through almost any difficulty we face. That is the beautiful thing about life. We never have to take responsibility for ourselves.

 

 

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and class.

HOROSCOPE:
Venus casts her soothing vibrations over your horoscope making you more placid than a narcoleptic heroin addict. Wake up you geek! Any setbacks and you will bounce back though so all is not lost. At heart you believe the celestial tide is turning – but you’re just deluding yourself.

 

Aquarius

Jan 20-Feb 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. To the casual observer, you appear stupid.

HOROSCOPE:
Certain situations may be unconsciously self-created. Stop fucking everything up! Whether this relates to financial or emotional fulfillment only you know. The sun’s clash with Pluto brings destiny linked to a woman with a big mouth.

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 – Jan 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are considered lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any real importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.

HOROSCOPE:
With Venus now journeying through your relationship zone, you’re bound to be over emotional. Just detach yourself and look from both sides. Stop whining – everyone has problems. they eventually pass – but yours probably won’t. Destiny sees an argument between a gang of lesbians fighting.

 

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are substance abusers. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.

HOROSCOPE:
It may not be easy for you to be entirely objective because of this week’s link between the sun and Pluto. In other words, you are poking your nose in where it’s not wanted. You may feel tempted to hang on too long but don’t! Destiny finds a pube on the toilet seat.

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are socially retarded.

HOROSCOPE:
You really are on top this week. Don’t let those bastards ruin it all! You may not realize how inspired you are. Take a look at what I told other starsigns to see how fortunate you are. Destiny finds a piss soaked Bible.

 

Libra

Sept 23 – Oct 22
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are most likely ugly. Most Libra women are considered easy. Changes of employment are to be expected because of your inability to cope.

HOROSCOPE:
The feel good vibes of Jupiter radiate through your birth-sign, opening up new possibilities. You will get laid. Saturn’s influence will make you over ambitious and this shallow, tacky one night stand will end in trauma and possibly an STD.

 

Virgo

Aug 23 – Sept 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent IRS agents.

HOROSCOPE:
If you’re starting over, begin as you mean to go on. That dress looks terrible on you… don’t ever wear it again. There are probably deep seated reasons why you feel insecure but I think it is because of that dress. Do yourself a favour and burn it.

 

Leo

July 23 – Aug 22
You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo’s are bullies by nature. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance causes friction with others.

HOROSCOPE:
Now you have reached one target, why not go for them all. Now is a perfect time to tell your wife you are gay and that when you told her you were at the office, you were really putting on cabaret at the local queer bar. Destiny sees a loved one die in a tragic accident with a hairspray bottle.

 

Gemini

May 21 – June 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little leading people to conclude that you are cheap.

HOROSCOPE:
Don’t back yourself into a corner, with powerful Pluto in your chart it shouldn’t be a problem. You can be as much of a cunt as you wish. But choose your rut carefully, you will be in it forever. destiny sees a wrinkly old friend.

 

Cancer

June 21 – July 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. On the other hand, you are always putting things off, and that is why you never get anything done.

HOROSCOPE:
Stop being such a big girly pants. Your oversensitivity is destroying your relationships and annoying everyone else. Still, you have to laugh don’t you? Destiny finds love linked to a smelly house.

 

Taurus

Apr 20 – May 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and will work like hell. You are stubborn and bullheaded and will not accept advice from others. Most Taurus’s play with themselves.

HOROSCOPE:
Everything has a time, a place, and a way in which it should be done. Stop being so finicky. Despite all these improvements you are finding standing up for yourself a challenge. Destiny sees a pubic lice infection.

 

Aries

Mar21 – Apr 19
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

HOROSCOPE:
Mars helps you tune into your needs making you a selfish bitch. Your enthusiasm is building up and wrapped up in yourself, you are not even noticing anybody else. Destiny sees a man in a pink bikini.