Watching someone you care about fall apart is hard. I felt the rain-clouds long before I felt the rain. Wales is a place of sadness for me in a lot of ways. Bad memories from growing up, my inability to find a guy who can tolerate all of my shit and want to be with me, and too many small-minded people who generally get on my nerves.
I chose the idea of Palestine for this song as a metaphor for my ideal lover. As downtrodden as that place is, yet a source of sunshine to escape the grey despair of cloudy Wales. I would go all in for a guy like that; marriage material in fact. I think we learn our empathy through our hardships. In one of my previous songs “The Note” I sang “You learn who you are through your scars” and I’ve never had a good friend in my life who hasn’t struggled in some way, shape or form. Those kinds of people have real depth of character.
But in order to attract a guy who can interest me enough, I would surely need to “make it rain” to be together “in darkness intertwined”. Otherwise, of what interest to him would I be?
I don’t know if I will ever settle down and find love again. After Fred died, I was pretty content to withdraw into my own little world and focus on work.
Will “Palestine” escape his oppression and find his way to me? Am I too bitter and jaded to even notice him? I can’t answer that right now. I have accepted I’m still hurting from the past but I have also accepted I will not settle for less than the real thing in any case.
The album I’m currently working on The Death of a Dying Star is basically a twisted love album; my rebirth as a star going supernova, shining bright enough to attract the love and happiness into the life that I want. It uses a lot of Kabbalah symbolism that I’ll go into in more depth in a later post.
Palestine is one of my favourite songs that I’ve recorded for the album so far. It has a great melody and feel to it. My friends questioned why I was shouting on it and suggested I record it with a gentler vocal take, but I decided I liked it as it is. I feel it has a more distinct, raw energy to it that way.
In verse two I sing “In my mind you’re everything I lack that’s good”. This is slightly self-deprecating but sometimes I hate elements of myself. I enjoy in others a kind of innocence that mental illness ripped from me. The Hell I saw in my own thoughts shaped my entire life, and I never want others to see what I saw.
But despite this little whine that I’ve indulged in here, I’m not actually that unhappy at the moment. I’ve immersed myself in my university course, I have good friends, and I travel a fair bit. Life feels like it is getting back to some sort of normality after the years in hospital and Fred’s suicide.
Whatever happens though, I’m proud of the fact I’ve survived so much and still able to smile and bring a smile to others, because that is what matters ultimately.
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