Dear Marilyn Manson

I had a dream about you a few weeks ago. It was horrible. The date is Halloween, and I go down to my local pub The Halfway. It’s situated halfway between Cardiff city centre and the historic Llandaff Cathedral. The bar lady is gushing and says Marilyn Manson and Lindsay are having Coca-Colas in the beer garden. The bar lady is ashamed as the beer garden isn’t the nicest in Pontcanna. But I love it. I order a Coca-cola and come out to the garden. You look bored. I try and be confident and say “Well if it isn’t Marilyn Fucking Manson. My Arch Nemesis” You have no idea how you twisted my teenage mind, ruined my family life, but I love you because Antichrist Superstar saved my life. Bullied for being gay, school was hard for me. That album gave me my wings. I uninvitedly sit on the bench with you and Lindsay and we joke how my brother-in-law is also called Lindsey because you’ve never heard of a guy with that name before.

I phone my friend Ryan who is also a fan, and he gets an Uber down. Randomly, Kesha turns up too getting her glitter all over us, so after talking loads, you ask to see my flat up the road. I’m reluctant because it’s grimy. But we need to get away from Kesha, so we go up and I mention my cat, as I know you love cats. My cat is a bit special though. She is loving to me and only me. She won’t let anyone else touch her. Two, maybe three strokes and she’ll hiss and give a warning bite, then run off. She gets so much love from me so none of us understand why she is the way she is.

We arrive at my flat and Luna peeps her head around the corner. I’m expecting her to run away but something insane happens. When she sees you, she turns to pure POISON. A way I have never seen a cat before. She attacks you and actually flays your skin. I’m horrified. Ryan is filming live on Facebook and Lindsay is crying. I’m too scared to even get Luna but you say “It’s ok. This is my dream.” You then command me and Ryan to film the entire mutilation; she even takes your weird eye out, so it’s now a permanent fixture. The neighbours are going crazy as it’s a quiet block. The police turn up and arrest me because there’s drugs found nearby. They certainly aren’t mine! My housing association say they will evict me. And you have broken my cat’s neck; she was an amazing companion for me. I have nothing now. Everyone on Facebook has disowned me saying I must have been cruel with that cat to make her like that.

You perform the next day in the Cardiff Utilita Arena showing off your macabre disfigurement. It’s your favourite concert in 30 years. And that’s why I love you but wish I never met you that day.

PS: Wishing you the best for the UK and European leg of the tour!