ADAM KADMON: WHEN THE HEART IMPLODES
ADAM KADMON: WHEN THE HEART IMPLODES is a Synthpop EP by Queer musician Corporate Christ detailing the days and nights that followed the suicide of someone close to him.
THE STORY OF ADAM KADMON
BY CORPORATE CHRIST
In March 2015, someone I loved took his own life. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how I felt that day. Initial shock, to anguish, denial and immense guilt. I battled with my own dark thoughts for a long time afterward. That’s what I wanted to express in this EP. It has a very different sound to my first album “The Pornographer” despite having many overlapping themes. From medicating myself to sleep so I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings to experiencing rage at my own oblivious ignorance to what he had been planning, this EP I hope captures the raw emotions I’ve felt in the last two years.
In “The Note” I sang: “You learn who you are through your scars” and I’ve found this to be very true. Despite the crippling sadness and regret, I feel I’ve become a stronger character. Life is too important and precious to waste it. So listen to others with an open heart; Try and understand how they feel. Most importantly, if you ever lose someone you care for deeply, know that the pain eases in time. It truly does get better.
8 Hours Closer: In the days and weeks following his death, I medicated myself with sedatives. All I wanted to do was sleep (and preferably not wake up again). My dreams offered little solace though and eventually, my doctor stopped prescribing medication.
The Note: He didn’t leave a suicide note as such, just something scrawled on an envelope about how he didn’t love me (or anyone else). I try and remember he was in a bad place but it still hurt me. “The death of a dying star” is a reference to a star collapsing and forming a black hole. Pretty much how it felt inside, but the pain was my teacher and I symbolically burnt that fucking note.
Cabaret: Struggling with my own suicidal thoughts but putting on a show, I was like cabaret. I functioned which was what was expected of me. I didn’t really want anyone to know about these feelings, though in retrospect I’m sure people knew.
Zyklon B: He took his life by suffocating himself with gas. We were assured it was a peaceful way to go, but it felt like the world had killed him. He just couldn’t cope with it I guess. Zyklon B is the gas the Nazis used during the Holocaust.
Valentine’s Day: This was the first song I wrote for this project (while he was still alive). He said he liked it though ultimately I wrote it out of frustration. I wished that for Valentine’s Day he had told me that he loved me. But he didn’t.
I ended up deleting this song from the project as it stirred up too many distressing memories for me. I don't miss it.
I later incorporated this EP into the album: THE DEATH OF A DYING STAR
Check out the Music Video for 8 HOURS CLOSER
LISTEN TO THE "ADAM KADMON" EP BELOW:
- ADAM KADMON
- 8 HOURS CLOSER
- THE NOTE
- ZYKLON B
- VALENTINE'S DAY